do you remember
that thing i said i won’t talk about again because i won’t buy one unless it’s brand-new? i found a new website which sells pre-owned and/or refurbished of their kind. and i think i should go offline immediately because i’m checking out my paypal credit cards. but i know i shouldn’t.
*poof*
and speaking of blogs.
this is my (hopefully) anonymous blog. i signed up for one at a networking site and it seems like i’m not talking to just myself. i know you think i’m being stupid for wanting to talk only to myself on an online journal. first, i’m referring to “you”. second, why publish? why not make it private?
like many, i want the security of anonymity, although many “experts” will tell you, you’re never that anonymous online. in any case, i’d like to wallow in my delusions that my cares are unique and that whatever pain or ecstasy i feel, i feel because i’m special. i don’t want to admit to the reality that many have tread this same path and more will follow. that makes me, what? a tiny speck?
so yeah, i want my delusions. i need my delusions. i need to be able to babble, rant, yak my heart out, thinking i’m the only one who’s up at 1:15 in the morning, desperately trying to become a new woman the next day. (wait a minute, it is the next day!) younger, more disciplined. richer. and most importantly, in love. i’ve always thought i’m way above needing a man, but i need the emotions, the orgasms. yeah, ok, great.
i’m officially dreaming.
who am i waiting for?
an inspiration? my muse? myself to grow up?
i need to get some sleep. (although i almost wrote “i need to get laid” which isn’t so far from the truth, too.)
ibook clamshell.
i promise, this is the last time (for a while, at least) you’re gonna read of me salivating over the thing. that’s because, in the face of this seemingly beautiful find on ebay (relatively cheap, too), i’ve decided that if i’m gonna get a macbook (or a macbook pro, but i’d rather have a macbook) before the year ends, why should i waste money on something dated?
still…
you can’t blame a girl for looking.
distraction.
you sit on the keyboard and promise yourself you’re going to write if it kills you. but you make the mistake of acknowledging the presence of someone you know may truly exist in your world. and before long, you’re the one being twisted and turned. is it by sheer design that fate makes you unable to function when presented with one (surprisingly pleasant) blow after another? admittedly, you would rather really focus on the distraction, especially when it’s plated in a somewhat palatable image of XY chromosomes. but still. still. what of it? distractions are what i may end up writing about but i wouldn’t want to hold off on having fun just because i have something i “have” to do. and writing? it’s really about living, isn’t it? what is there to write about if i haven’t lived? (as i suspect i haven’t.)
again, plenty of excuses, so you know why i may die being a great potential. if only, if only. but i want to fall in love. i want so badly to fall in love. and i’m crazy like that.
in transit.
in one bored moment, i signed up to receive a reading from an online psychic. she sent me an email writing up some vague lines about my personality (sometimes really true) and what i may expect to happen to me in the days to come. she said that i’m to enter a part of my life where i’m to experience something earth-moving (my term). she said i’d be “in transit”. note that it’s vague, though. how to undo the vagueness? pay some $65 dollars so she’d tell me the details to this “transit”. obviously, i ignored her emails. i only signed up for it because it was free. i deliberately googled “FREE”. what part of “FREE” isn’t clear to Jenna, the psychic?
earlier, i received a seemingly last-ditch effort from her. apparently my “transit” has begun. i don’t doubt that every moment of my life, i’m entering some new phase, but that doesn’t mean i should pay some quack to tell me what will happen, what i should do, etc. if it were intended to be this way, we’d have only the present. the future is unknown because it is intended to be unknown. last i heard, stores have run out of crystal balls. i’m still wait listed.
i must say though: the heads-on vague assertions about me got me curious and i almost daydreamed i was paying her $65.
tomorrow, another transit begins. in 7 hours, i’ll know if i’m destined to be the owner of a G3 ibook. not a clamshell yet and i’m still thinking about whether i should still bid for a clamshell one that’s really, really low-end but pretty, and that’s ending in a little more than an hour. (i’m under the delusion that an apple laptop will make me the writer that i’m destined to be. wait a minute! I AM A WRITER ALREADY. i’ve published a poem and that’s more than other “writers” can say for themselves. ahem!)
see you in a bit for the update on the ibook!
ibooks(!)
jeez, i’ve been bidding left and right on (relatively cheap) ibooks (clamshells and snow G3 models) on ebay and up to now, i haven’t won one. one ibook tangerine clamshell had me on top 10 hours before the end of the auction. the end time was 10 am today and i was in the office where there wasn’t any internet connection. when i came home after work, i checked my ebay and guess what!?!? I’ve been OUTBID!!!
right now, i’m looking at more ibooks and checking out those that seem reasonably priced (no major defects, power adapter included, battery holds charge). i’ve bid on 2 white ones and i’m one top of one that’s going to end in some 7 hours. that’s 6 am my time so i plan on getting up before that so i can check my bids and bid more if needed and within what’s reasonable (everything’s relative up to a point).
so, see you and wish me luck!
late again.
for work, that is. still drooling over those clamshells, but considering other oh-so-pretty macs. you know, i think i’m going to be a mac collector now.
reading.
i’m reading Cristina Pantoja Hidalgo’s “Catch a Falling Star”, a collection of short stories. i read mostly foreign writers and i know i have to find the filipino in me. i must say i’m trying to find myself in the writing style. it’s so different from mine. i enrolled in Dr. Hidalgo’s CW Fiction I when i was in college and she said it seemed like my story was set in boston. not in a good way because it was not. lol.
writing-wise, i’m still in the stage i was in at the time i was in her class. no, not true. at least i was writing something then. now, i’m starting over again.
alas
it’s past 2 am and my resolve to go to bed early has once again been dealt with a big fat “YOU LIAR YOU!”
all because of the ibook clamshells on ebay.
i almost bid on one but it’s graphite. i want a lime or a tangerine. (i like my vitamin C!) i’ve decided to sleep on it. but i know myself; i’ll be back tomorrow.
